Warriors: Your very own guide
by Maetja
Summary: Hmm. Hey, whats this? Oh look, its a catalog! Hey, look, its for Warriors! Wait, these aren't books...
1. Firestar

**Uh.....I don't know why I wrote this. I just felt like it. So......**

**Disclaimer: If Rainsong owned warriors, she would be rich and famous and makes lots of money to fund her underwater palace made of cheese and onion skins**

Congratulations on purchasing the FIRESTAR unit! He will arrive in a wooden crate. When he has arrived, open the box carefully with a crowbar. For all Twolegs, caution to back away a little as he jumps out, for he will be in a bad mood and try to attack any nearby Twolegs. Quickly pull the white tag sticking from his neck. This will calm him. Squirt FIRESTAR in the face with a water squirter. He will associate you as boss and give you no more threats between hisses and growls.

This unit comes in several modes:

KITTYPET: In this mode, your FIRESTAR will call himself Rusty and act like a lazy house cat. Keep away from any THISTLECLAW or TIGERCLAW units when in this mode, or he will be killed. (More easily, that is)

-APPRENTICE: In this mode, your FIRESTAR will call himself Firepaw and try to prove the TIGERSTAR unit is a traitor to a nearby BLUESTAR unit and will have dreams of hunting while fighting the BROKENSTAR unit

-WARRIOR: In this mode, your Firestar will call himself Fireheart and search for the WindClan box set with any GRAYSTRIPE units, seek out a TALLSTAR unit to warn him of battle, and overhear a YELLOWFANG unit killing her kit. Keep him away from any CINDERPELT units, or she will disobey him and run onto a Thunderpath, break her leg, and possibly be permanently damaged.

-LEADER: FIRESTAR will now call himself FIRESTAR and try to go on a journey to collect the scattered pieces of the SkyClan box set with a SANDSTORM unit, attempt to lead the ThunderClan box set to the nearest lake, and help any clan box set in need, even if help isn't wanted. Keep away from any KITTYPETS, or he will welcome them as a part of the ThunderClan box set.

OOC: FIRESTAR will act very weird and random and spontaneous. This is a LOCKED mode, and can only be unlocked by purchasing the SANDSTORM, SPOTTEDLEAF, and CINDERPELT units to calm him down.

Your FIRESTAR unit comes with several handy functions to use around your home

Protection: FIRESTAR makes an excellent guard cat, but be well warned that he can only delay TWOLEGS and DOGS, not stop them.

Training: FIRESTAR will whip you into shape! His most risky use, be warned that you may loose use of one or both of your legs.

Hunting: Firestar will supply you with ample prey, but if you are a Twoleg, be warned that most of the food is raw, covered in feathers/fur, and has not been gutted to remove bone and organs

FIRESTAR is not compatible with all other units.

He is compatible with:

-The GRAYSTRIPE unit

-The SANDSTORN unit

-The SPOTTEDLEAF unit

-The CINDERPELT unit

-The BLUESTAR unit

-The BRAMBLECLAW unit

-The PRINCESS unit

-The CLOUDTAIL unit

-The LEAFPOOL unit

-And the SQUIRRELFLIGHT unit

He is not compatible with:

-The TIGERSTAR unit

-The HAWKFROST unit

-The SCOURGE unit

-The BROKENSTAR unit

-And the MUDCLAW unit

FIRESTAR comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us at

Q-My FIRESTAR unit came home in APPRENTICE mode without my RAVENPAW unit and is trying to convince me my RAVENPAW unit is dead. Whats happening?

A-Ouch. I hate to break it to you, but FIRESTAR has hidden RAVENPAW from TIGERSTAR. You'll never see him again. -coughchecknearestbarncough-

Q-I'm a Twoleg and I forgot to pull the white tag from my FIRESTAR unit's neck and now he's attacking me! What do I do?

A-Tough luck. You should have listened to the directions! I hope StarClan accepts you into their ranks.

Q-My FIRESTAR and SANDSTORM units are missing!

A-This is no problem. They simply have gone to find the scattered pieces of the SkyClan box set. They'll be back in about a year

Q-But I can't wait that long!

A-Its your fault. You let The CLOUDSTAR and SMUDGE units mix with your FIRESTAR unit, which you should _never_ do.

Q-My FIRESTAR unit has been hiding in crevices with my SANDSTORM, SPOTTEDLEAF, and CINDERPELT units searching for him. Whats going on?

A-Your FIRESTAR unit has angered his harem! His love square annoyed the she-cats and they're looking for him to say whom he loves he most. I'd hate to be him at the moment.

Q- My FIRESTAR unit is cackling madly and running around the house screaming he loves Leafstar. Should I be worried?

A-Yes you should be worried. Your FIRESTAR is in OOC mode, and is acting without any bonds to his normal character. Try getting a SANDSTORM, SPOTTEDLEAF, or CINDERPELT unit to calm him down long enough for you to switch his mode.

Q-My THISTLECLAW unit is pestering my FIRESTAR, but the FIRESTAR unit isn't doing anything but whimper and mumble about 'forest cats eat bones.' Isn't he himself a forest cat?

A-You have him in KITTYPET mode, and he'll act like a tame house cat until you switch his mode.

FIRESTAR is priced at a conveniently low payment of 85$, and shipping is free! Order now and 1-800-11F-IRES. For more information, check out our website, .com

**Thats it. Hope all you like it! Don't forget to REVIEW!! I'm doing all the characters, even minor ones. Next up is Brambleclaw. Vote in your reviews for who I should do after him! Also,I never use caps. I held the shift key :P**


	2. Brambleclaw

**Disclaimer: If Rainsong owned warriors, she would have enough money to build a giant piano and just smash that on people's heads to save money from using all those pianos so she can have extra money to fund her palace on the moon made of dandelion fluff and old-timer wig powder.**

Congratulations on purchasing our BRAMBLECLAW unit! He will arrive in a plain plastic kittypet carrier, hissing and spitting at you. He will have no white tag like our FIRESTAR unit because he is not a sole protagonist. Instead he will come with a birch rod to slap him with and proclaim yourself boss. This will be in the carrier, past the snarling cat that hopefully won't rip you to shreds before you can be boss. Do not do this around any JAYFEATHER units, or JAYFEATHER will become immensely protective of the birch rod.

Your BRAMBLECLAW unit comes with several modes for you to exploit

-BUMBLING KIT: Your BRAMBLECLAW unit will call himself Bramblekit do stupid kit things like climbing a tree in a fire and getting trapped there. He will also run around your nest and yowl all hours of the night, and this mode is not recommended.

-APPRENTICE: Your BRAMBLECLAW unit will call himself Bramblepaw and hang around any FIRESTAR units like a shadow.

-WARRIOR: Your BRAMBLECLAW unit will call himself Brambleclaw and sneak out on the night of new moon to meet the TAWNYPELT, FEATHERTAIL, STORMFUR, and CROWFEATHER units. He will also lead them on a mouse-brained venture to the place where the sun sinks into the sea, then bolster a love triangle with Squirrelflight and Ashfur, finally convincing your FIRESTAR unit to make him deputy.

-NEGA LEADER: Your BRAMBLECLAW unit will act cruel and harsh and basically evil. Keep away from all who are neither HAWKFROST nor TIGERSTAR units. Note: This mode is LOCKED. It can only be unlocked by purchasing a HAWKFROST and TIGERSTAR units.

-OOC: Your BRAMBLECLAW unit will act very weird and random and goofy and stupid and will disintegrate into a pile of dust at the mention of the color red.

Your BRAMBLECLAW unit comes with several handy features:

Traveling: Your BRAMBLECLAW unit is one of our best travelers, bouncing from one mouse-brained journey to the next.

Betraying your clan: Our BRAMBLECLAW unit is a delightful choice for betraying your clan. Just get him to fall in love with a she-cat, and get that she-cat to go with another tom. He'll be so green with envy he'll destroy your clan

Training: Our BRAMBLECLAW unit will do you some good! He'll teach you to be a lazy, disrespectful warrior everyone hates!**(AKA Berrynose) **

Our BRAMBLECLAW unit is not compatible with all other units

He is compatible with:

-Our FIRESTAR unit

-Our GOLDENFLOWER unit

-Our TAWNYPELT unit

-Our HAWKFROST unit

-Our TIGERSTAR unit

-Our SQUIRRELFLIGHT unit

-Our JAYFEATHER unit

-Our LIONBLAZE unit

-And our HOLLYLEAF unit

He is not compatible with:

-Our CROWFEATHER unit. CROWFEATHER will take everything that comes out of BRAMBLECLAW's mouth as an order and claw your BRAMBLECLAW unit's heart out.

-Our ASHFUR unit

-Our SCOURGE unit. SCOURGE killed BRAMBLECLAW's father

Your new BRAMBLECLAW unit may come with many questions and concerns. Please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us.

Q-My BRAMBLECLAW unit told my CROWFEATHER unit to do something and is now dead! What should I do?!

A-Haha, sucker, no refunds! Its your fault; CROWFEATHER will take anything as an order and doesn't respond well to orders, not even from his mentor the MUDCLAW unit. **(Has anyone noticed Mudclaw's personality was passed on to Crowfeather? Same with Tigerclaw; his mentor was Thistleclaw)**

Q-Why are there no refunds?!

A-Cause I'm a lazy authoress with the intention of making money

Q-My BRAMBLECLAW, FEATHERTAIL, STORMFUR, SQUIRRELFLIGHT, TAWNYPELT, and CROWFEATHER units are missing and my LEAFPOOL unit is stuttering with bad lies!

A-Your units have gone to the the sun-drown place. Expect them in a 8-9 months.

Q-I don't wanna wait that long!

A-My, aren't we the whiner?

Q-My BRAMBLECLAW, SQUIRRELFLIGHT, LIONBLAZE, HOLLYLEAF, SOL, and HAZELTAIL units are missing!

A-The clan cats are looking for Sol at this very moment, who is in a city with an old cat named Purdy.

Q-Waaa!

A-Stop your crying, this chapter's done!

**I'm quite mean when answering these questions.**


	3. Jayfeather

**Disclaimer: I don't own warriors. When you finally realize that?!**

Congratulations on purchasing the JAYFEATHER unit! He will arrive in a glass crate-careful not to drop it! A word of caution if you please. Don't kiss the cat when it has fleas-I mean, stand a little bit back when you open the crate. Jayfeather will claw the first thing he smells. Pull the white tag out of his throat and have a bowl of catnip ready. Let him play in the catnip. He will be pleased and associate you as boss.

CAUTION: Do NOT take away his stick. He will kill you. Seriously. Just don't.

This unit comes in many modes:

KIT: JAYFEATHER will call himself Jaykit and be rude to everyone. His size will shrink and he'll look for a nearby SQUIRRELFLIGHT unit, mewling for milk.

WARRIOR APPRENTICE: Your JAYFEATHER unit will call himself Jaypaw and train under a BRIGHTHEART unit if you have one. He will still be a rude furball, however.

MEDICINE CAT APPRENTICE: Not at all different from WARRIOR APPRENTICE mode, except he'll train under Leafpool.

MEDICINE CAT: Your JAYFEATHER unit will call himself Jayfeather. This mode is pretty much the same as MEDICINE CAT APPRENTICE mode.

AU: In this mode, your JAYFEATHER unit will have the ability to see and be a warrior and stuff. Pretty lame mode, actually, but boss wanted it to be included.

LOVESICK: In this mode, your JAYFEATHER unit will be in love with everyone. Seriously. Everyone. A list of the more common subjects include the following:  
Brightheart  
Honeyfern  
Cinderheart  
Brightspirit  
Willowshine  
Poppyfrost  
Half Moon  
THE STICK  
Fallen Leaves  
Berrynose  
Kestrelflight  
This mode is LOCKED, and can only be unlocked by purchasing one of the above listed cats and entering his/her keycode in the keypad on the tip of your JAYFEATHER unit's tail

OOC: Jayfeather will have no bonds to original character. This mode is LOCKED, and can only be unlocked by having an interview with me to see if you're responsible enough. *sigh* Better start with the interviews...

Your JAYFEATHER unit comes with many handy functions that you can use around your home

Healing: JAYFEATHER is programmed with ample knowledge of healing. Of course, you are a Twoleg, he heals cats, he'll probably end up killing you...

Rude Remarks: Were you teased today? Are you a bully? Can't you think of any good insults? Never fear! Jayfeather is here! Your JAYFEATHER unit is sure to come up with a great way to insult your enemies!

JAYFEATHER is not compatible with all units  
He is compatible with:  
-The LIONBLAZE unit  
-The HOLLYLEAF unit  
-The LEAFPOOL unit  
-The SQUIRRELFLIGHT unit  
-The BRAMBLECLAW unit  
-And most of the ThunderClan box set.

He is not compatible with:  
-The TIGERSTAR unit  
-The HAWKFROST unit  
-The BREEZEPELT unit  
-The WILLOWSHINE unit  
-And most of….all other units…

Jayfeather will come with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us at pleasedon'

Q-I didn't give my JAYFEATHER unit a bowl of catnip! Now what do I do?  
A-TOO LATE SUCKER. No refunds. Your JAYFEATHER unit is now permanently broken! MUAHAHA!

Q-My JAYFEATHER unit is being all sweet and kind and -shudders- NICE! What's happening?!  
A-You have him in OOC mode. How in the world did YOU pass the interview?!

Q-I can't find my JAYFEATHER, HOLLYLEAF, LIONBLAZE, TIGERPAW, FLAMEPAW, or DAWNPAW units! Where'd they go?  
A-They went to play pranks on ShadowClan, of course!

Q-I took away my JAYFEATHER unit's weird stick and now he's attacking me!  
A-You know we might as well break these things at the factory?! Next time, READ. THE. DARN. MANUAL.

Q-My JAYFEATHER unit is giving everyone these gooey looks! Why in the name of StarClan is he DOING THAT?!  
A-You have him in LOVESICK mode. Exactly why did you put him in that mode? He gets all lame and stuff.

Q-I dropped the glass crate my JAYFEATHER unit was in!  
A-He's dead now. Get over it. We refuse to give you a refund

Q-My JAYFEATHER unit said mean things to me today :'(  
A-Whiner

JAYFEATHER is priced at the conviniently low price of 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000$ and shipping is most certainly not free! :D Call us now at 1-800-JAY-PAWS, or got to our website at muahahahayoucan'! Order JAYFEATHER today!  
-coughorelsecough-

**Yes, I updated. Squeal in joy! Squeal I say! SQQUUUEAAALLLL!!!!**


	4. Lionblaze

**Yes, another update! I really am trying to update more often after I disappeared for four months. Anywho, Disclaimer?  
Disclaimer: Rainsong doesn't own warriors. She only owns a few of the books.**

Congratulation on purchasing the LIONBLAZE unit! He will arrive in a cardboard box-What? Cardboard's cheap, and boss is too. Now, if you try and battle your LIONBLAZE unit, you will die. So, since you already used the catmint trick for JAYFEATHER, you must purchase a HEATHERTAIL unit first. Hold a knife to her neck when you open your LIONBLAZE unit's box. He will growl and hiss at you, but say you'll kill her if he moves. Pull the white tag from his neck and release HEATHERTAIL. He will associate you as boss and give you no more threats.

This unit comes in many modes:

KIT: In this mode, your LIONBLAZE unit will call himself Lionkit and look for any JAYFEATHER, HOLLYLEAF, and SQUIRRELFLIGHT units, mewling for milk. Lead him to a FERNCLOUD unit instead. She had actual kits, equaling actual milk.

APPRENTICE: In this mode, your LIONBLAZE unit will call himself Lionpaw and look for any nearby ASHFUR units to train under. If you see him making goggle eyes at your HEATHERTAIL unit, stop him. Unless of course you want to watch his heart break into little tiny piece to use for confetti, in that case, go right ahead!

WARRIOR: Not too different from APPRENTICE mode, except LIONBLAZE will call himself Lionblaze.

OOC: Lionblaze will act very weird and odd and strange and will scream and run around, yowling about milkshakes. Doesn't Lionblaze have the lamest modes ever?

Your LIONBLAZE unit comes with many handy functions that you use around your home.

Battling: Your LIONBLAZE unit is the best battler ever! Seriously. He has a whole prophecy and stuff revolving around it. Great for axe murderers who don't want to get caught, or just don't want to get their hands dirty.

Hunting: Pretty much all units are good for this, but once again, I must say that all prey has not been gutted and still is covered in fur/feathers, and is raw.

Distraction: Are you running from an angry mob? Don't know what to do? Use LIONBLAZE! He'll start a riot that'll take all the attention off you so you can safely hide!

Your LIONBLAZE unit is not compatible with all units  
He is compatible with:

-The HOLLYLEAF unit  
-The JAYFEATHER unit  
-The BRAMBLECLAW unit  
-The SQUIRRELFLIGHT unit  
-The HEATHERTAIL unit(sometimes)  
-And most of the ThunderClan box set

He is not compatible with:

-The TIGERSTAR unit  
-The HAWKFROST unit  
-The BREEZEPELT unit  
-And the HEATHERTAIL unit(sometimes)

Your LIONBLAZE unit comes with many questions. Please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us at . com

Q-My LIONBLAZE unit is in apprentice mode and I can't find him! Where is he?  
A-Meeting a nearby HEATHERTAIL unit, which just happens to belong to someone you hate. Go break his heart now, we really need that confetti for the party in an hour.

Q-My LIONBLAZE, STORMFUR, BROOK WHERE SMALL FISH SWIM, HOLLYLEAF, JAYFEATHER, BRAMBLECLAW, SQUIRRELFLIGHT, CROWFEATHER, and BREEZEPELT units are missing!  
A-They went to go help stuffy old Stoneteller and the Tribe. Don't expect your STORMFUR or BROOK units back ever

Q-But...but....I liked my BROOK and STORMFUR units!  
A-Then why did you let them mix with your TALON and NIGHT units?

Q-My LIONBLAZE unit didn't listen to my threat of killing HEATHERTAIL and is now attacking me!  
A-You see, there's always the off chance that LIONBLAZE will do that. He isn't really stable, you know.

Q-I can't find my HOLLYLEAF, JAYFEATHER, or LIONBLAZE units!  
A-..Okay, you know there's like, a billion places they could be?

Q-Well yeah...it happened right after they finished prank-calling ShadowClan...  
A-I see. Well, not really, that'd be creepy if I were watching you through this piece of paper, but that's not my point. They're visiting a nearby SOL unit. Your HOLLYLEAF unit will go insane a little later, get ready for that.

Q-Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh, my house is on fire and I can't find my HOLLYLEAF, SQUIRRELFLIGHT, LIONBLAZE, ASHFUR, and JAYFEATHER units!  
A-First of all, your house is on _fire, _and all you can think about are your units?! Put out the fire first! Second of all, your LIONBLAZE, JAYFEATHER, and HOLLYLEAF units are in lots of trouble. But if you save them, your ASHFUR unit will be in lots of trouble. Think about which unit you value more and save that one

LIONBLAZE units are sold at the conviniently low price of 300$, and shipping is only 100$! Call us now at 1-800-ORD-ERS, or go to our website at 'taffordlionblazeorjayfeather . com. Order Lionblaze today!

**I have a feeling that there's something I'm forgetting in this chapter, but I can't figure it out. Tell me if you know what it is!**


	5. Ashfur

**Please don't be sad if I don't get around to doing the cat you requested very soon, but I already have a list of cats who I really want to do, which ends with Bluestar, who is next. So after next chapter you can request anyone you like, but before, please don't. It makes me feel bad to completely disregard them. So, disclaimer?**

**Disclaimer: Rainsong doesn't own warriors, and never will. **

**Great, just go and dash my dreams to pieces!**

**Disclaimer: You know it's true**

Congratulations on purchasing the ASHFUR unit! He will arrive in a crate made of duct tape panels. What? You think that isn't strong enough? Well, try using a cannon made out of duct tape! It works just fine! –cough- Anyway, he shall arrive in a crate made of duct tape. Stand a little bit back from the crate when you open it. He'll be pretty mad when he comes out. I'd be too, if I were locked in a crate for several hours. So, he'll be pretty mad. To calm him down enough so you can grab the white tag out of his neck…I'm not sure. You're on your own. What? You expect me to _tell _you something that will be vaguely useful for not getting mauled? I refuse. So there. Ha.

If you managed to come out of that alive, congratulations! The ASHFUR unit comes in many modes:

KIT: ASHFUR will call himself Ashkit and be pretty much adorable.

APPRENTICE: In this mode, your ASHFUR unit will call himself Ashpaw. He'll be very sweet-tempered, but not as adorable as when he was a kit.

WARRIOR: In this mode, your ASHFUR unit will call himself Ashfur and stop being cute. He'll be involved in a love triangle with a nearby BRAMBLECLAW and SQUIRRELFLIGHT unit. Not much else.

INSANE: In this mode, your ASHFUR unit will….well….go insane. If you do not want this result, keep away from any SQUIRRELFLIGHT units. Of course, the more confetti, the better, so if you want to break his heart along with Lionblaze's, hurry up, party is in five minutes.

AU: Only a few units have this mode, so feel special that your ASHFUR unit does! In this mode, your ASHFUR unit can go near SQUIRRELFLIGHT units and not go insane, but a BRAMBLECLAW unit might go insane instead. And that would be more dangerous considering any BRAMBLECLAW units are pushed on by TIGERSTAR unit dreamscapes, which all BRAMBLECLAW units are programmed with. And he's deputy, so….yeah….I wouldn't put him in this mode if I were you…

OOC: This mode is LOCKED, and can never be unlocked. Muahaha! Well, you CAN unlock it by purchasing the entire ThunderClan box set, but the JAYFEATHER unit is too darn expensive for such luxuries.

Your ASHFUR unit comes with many handy functions that you can use around your home.

Entertainment: Are you bored? Do you have absolutely nothing to do? Then order the ASHFUR unit! Many like to have him and a nearby BRAMBLECLAW unit do battle. However, this is the real world, where potatoes fly and waffles eat clouds, so no real special effects like those you read in fanfictions

Extermination: Do you have a mouse/squirrel/vole problem in your backyard? Are you sick and tired of those stacking exterminator bills! Well then, get an ASHFUR unit! He'll clean your yard of those pests! And your pet squirrel? He'll eat that too.

Your ASHFUR unit is not compatible with all units.

He is compatible with:  
-The FERNCLOUD unit  
-The DUSTPELT unit  
-The BIRCHFALL unit  
-The FOXPAW unit  
-The ICEPAW unit  
-And most of the ThunderClan box set

He is not compatible with:  
-The BRAMBLECLAW unit  
-The SQUIRRELFLIGHT unit  
-The LIONBLAZE unit  
-The JAYFEATHER unit  
-Or the HOLLYLEAF unit

ASHFUR comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us don'temailus fakesite . com

Q-I don't like Ashfur  
A-Then why did you order the unit?

Q-My Ashfur unit is attacking me and I can't get to the white tag!  
A-I already said earlier that you're on your own. Ha.

Q-Do you care about your customers in any way?  
A-Not really. So are you going to ask a question about the ASHFUR unit or what?

Q-Okay, so I put out the fire, but I can't find my JAYFEATHER, HOLLYLEAF, or LIONBLAZE units!  
A-Was your ASHFUR unit in INSANE mode during the fire?

Q-Yes…  
A-Well, your ASHFUR unit killed them. Didn't I advise you not to keep him in that mode?!

Q-I can't find my ASHFUR or FERNCLOUD units!  
A-They went to go lure dogs over a cliff. Don't expect your BLUESTAR unit back

Q-I can't find my ASHFUR unit!  
A-Do you know where your HOLLYLEAF unit is?

Q-No…  
A-Well, your HOLLYLEAF unit murdered him and threw his body into a stream which leads to the Moonpool. She contaminated the Moonpool! THAT'S AGAINST THE WARRIOR CODE!

The ASHFUR unit is priced at the conviniently low price of 700$, and shipping is free! Call us now at 1-800-ASH-FURS, or go to our website at www. .com! Order the ASHFUR unit today!

**You know what I only just noticed? I'm not even sure if this is an owner's manual or an ad. It tells you to buy the product, but in the first paragraph it acts as if you already own it. I can't believe I didn't realize that until now. Also, this would the longest chapter in this story, 200 words longer than the previous longest chapter. Ashfur really is interesting to right about.**


	6. Bluestar

**Another update. Eh. Not really much to say, except its crazy how often I'm updating these things**

**Disclaimer: Rainsong doesn't own warriors. **

Congratulations on purchasing the BLUESTAR unit! She will arrive in a metal crate. Why? Because the mode we send her to you in is extremely volatile, and we don't really wish to die. Expect the metal to be dented. Anyway, so, open the box. She'll spring out and claw you to death if you don't get to that white tag fast. Before purchasing the BLUESTAR unit, make sure to have a MISTYFOOT and STONEFUR unit handy. Use them as a shield while getting that white tag. Make sure to be right in her line of sight while pulling out the white tag, or she will associate your MISTYFOOT and STONEFUR units as boss. If this happens, we still refuse to give you a refund.

If you managed to not break your BLUESTAR unit while doing that, congratulations! This unit comes in many modes:

KIT: Your BLUESTAR unit will call herself Bluekit. She will search for a SNOWFUR and MOONFLOWER unit, mewling for milk.

APPRENTICE: In this mode, your BLUESTAR unit will call herself Bluepaw. WARNING: If you own a MOONFLOWER, HAWKHEART, and GOOSEFEATHER unit, your GOOSEFEATHR unit will recite a false prophecy about WindClan or something, then your MOONFLOWER unit will be killed by a HAWKHEART unit. Heh.

WARRIOR: In this ode, your BLUESTAR unit will call herself Bluefur. Keep away from any OAKHEART units. Not only will this severely damage your BLUESTAR unit's emotion mode disk, it will also kill your SNOWFUR unit. And any MOSSKIT units you may have on hand.

LEADER: In this mode, your BLUESTAR unit will call herself Bluestar. If you have a FIRESTAR unit who just happens to be in kittypet mode nearby, she'll welcome into the ThunderClan box set.

INSANE: In this mode, your BLUESTAR unit will go insane. Not a hard concept really. Keep her out of this mode. Seriously. Or you will regret it. This mode is LOCKED, and can only be unlocked by purchasing the OAKHEART unit and entering his key code in the keypad on your BLUESTAR unit's left ear.

OOC: In this mode, your BLUESTAR unit will act with no bonds to her original character. She'll act very odd and strange and weird and will run around in circles screaming about vampire piggies

Your BLUESTAR unit comes with many handy functions that you can use around your home

Wisdom: Your BLUESTAR unit is programmed with over 1 million wise proverbs that can be used in any situation! Of course, she spews one every three seconds, so it gets kind of annoying…

Scaring your enemies: Do you want to frighten your enemies? Can't afford the LIONBLAZE unit to murder them in their beds? Then purchase the BLUESTAR unit! Put her into INSANE mode, and she'll scar them for life!

Your BLUESTAR unit is not compatible with all units

She is compatible with:  
-The SNOWFUR unit  
-The WHITESTORM unit  
-The MOONFLOWER unit  
-The FIREHEART unit  
-The MISTYFOOT unit  
-The STONEFUR unit  
-The MOSSKIT unit  
-The OAKHEART unit  
-And the CROOKEDSTAR unit (Only when they're both in APPRENTICE mode)

She is not compatible with:  
-The THISTLECLAW unit  
-The TIGERSTAR unit  
-The BROKENSTAR unit  
-And the HAWKHEART unit

Your BLUESTAR unit comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us youbetternotemailus fakesite . com

Q-Help! My BLUESTAR unit is associating my MISTYFOOT and STONEFUR units as boss and is still attacking me!  
A-You see, it's a _very _delicate process when you first order your BLUESTAR unit. Why don't you just order a new one and try again? –coughorelsecough-

Q-Why do you program your units to be so….vicious?!  
A-Because we want you to fail, either dying or having to order a new one.

Q-You aren't very good in the public relations department, are you?  
A-We _would _be pretty good at it, if we actually cared enough to pretend we care at all.

Q-My BLUESTAR, MOONFLOWER, SNOWFUR, SWIFTBREEZE, FEATHERWHISKER, LEOPARDFOOT, and PATCHPELT units are missing!  
A-They went to go battle the WindClan box set, and destroy their herb supply (Herbs sold separately)

Q-Ok, so I woke up in the middle of the night to check and see if any of my units have escaped, and my BLUESTAR unit is gone!  
A-…Escape? Do you torture your units or something? Are you one of those Truth or Dare fanfiction hosts who viciously torture the characters, but because you couldn't get the real ones, ordered our units? What in the name of StarClan is _wrong _with you?!

BLUESTAR is priced at the conviniently high price of your eternal soul, and shipping is free! Call us now at 1-888-BLU-STAR, or go to our website at giveusyoureternalsoulnow . com! Order BLUESTAR today!

**Again, I feel like there is something wrong with this chapter, but I can't quite place it. **

**Also, I am not hypocritical, I simply parodied myself. If you were offended…Eh. I don't really think I care.**


	7. Ferncloud

**Just to clarify, yes, I now take requests. I was going to make a poll on my profile, but there were waaay too many possibilities for that kind of thing. I'll pick the character I have the most ideas for to do first. This story will probably, as I think I said earlier, never be over. **

**Disclaimer: Yes, Rainsong DOES own Warriors. She also owns all characters mentioned, because she just so happens to have the time and brain capacity to write a novel series. /sarcasm**

Congratulations on purchasing the FERNCLOUD unit! She will arrive in a plush cat carrier. Why? Because, we'll be hunted down by the law if we don't treat a pregnant –coughfortheumpteenthtimecough- cyborg cat with something better than crates will happen to have lots and lots of splinters. Yes, even the metal and duct tape ones have many splinters. We happen to build them that way. Anywho, so she'll arrive in a cat carrier. When she leaps out, she'll call her army of kits on you- Stop it! Stop it! Don't think I don't know what you're doing! You're laughing away, saying, _'What a silly cat Rainsong is, bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh, she's being so ridiculous for warning us about kits! Bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh!' _Fine! Be that way! I won't tell you that the kits have laser vision, and can fly, and have tusks sharper than thorns and can read minds! And I especially won't tell you that you have to grab the white tag out of your FERNCLOUD unit's throat or she won't associate you as boss and kill you! And I won't tell you how the kits have no weak spots! So you can just go get slaughtered!

Ahem. Anyway, if you survived that, grr, I am angry. But still, I shall tell you about the many modes of your FERNCLOUD unit, even though you won't be alive (Or you will have been much too mutilated) to read this.

KIT: In this mode, your FERNCLOUD unit will call herself Fernkit and will search for ASHFUR and BRINDLEFACE units, mewling for milk and being very much adorable as she does it

APPRENTICE: In this mode, your FERNCLOUD unit will call herself Fernpaw and train under a nearby DARKSTRIPE or LONGTAIL unit.

WARRIOR: In this mode, your FERNCLOUD unit will call herself Ferncloud. Caution: If you do not wish your FERNCLOUD unit to go into automatic KIT MACHINE mode, keep her away from any DUSTPELT units.

KIT MACHINE: This mode is LOCKED, and can only be unlocked by purchasing a DUSTPELT unit and having him see her, at least once. In this mode, your FERNCLOUD unit will produce never ending kits. It's actually a real pain.

OOC: In this mode, your FERNCLOUD unit will not have any kits and be sour and mean.

Your FERNCLOUD unit is compatible with all units. She, unlike all other units, doesn't have enemies because her demon kits of evil and doom torment anyone who even makes a sarcastic remark within 10 meters of her. So everyone learned their lesson and now keep well away.

Your FERNCLOUD unit comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us at ! easythreat . com

Q-Oh no! Demon kits are attacking me!  
A-That's what you get for laughing at me, DARN YOU. SUFFER YOUR FATE! SUUUFFFFEEEERR IIIT!

Q-So, if I put my FERNCLOUD unit into KIT MACHINE mode, will I get free SPIDERLEG, SHREWPAW, LARCHKIT, HOLLYKIT, BIRCHFALL, FOXLEAP and ICECLOUD units?  
A-No, you will simply allow her to spawn an army of demon kits. Unless you wish to take over the world, this is not advised.

Q-Wait, so if the law hunts you down for not treating a pregnant cyborg cat, will they hunt you down and recall all of your dangerous products? YAY!  
A-No, they won't, because we blackmailed every single cop in the universe. They will, however, get us for the pregnant cyborg cat things…..for reasons I am not allowed to disclose. SEIZE THEM! They know too much!

Q-My FERNCLOUD unit has spawned a demon army of kits! How could this have happened?!  
A-Let me guess, left her near a DUSTPELT unit?

Q-Yes…I did….  
A-YOU IDIOT. GO STAND IN A CORNER, RIGHT NOW. SHAME ON YOU!

Ferncloud is priced at the ridiculously high price of everything you own, and shipping is free! Call now at 1-800-WE-ROBU, or go to our website at wewillrobyoublind . com. Order FERNCLOUD today!

**Well that's pleasant, a not so well concealed threat of being robbed if you don't buy the FERNCLOUD unit.**


	8. Hollyleaf

**Updating everyday has been very hard, and I just couldn't do it this time. I've had….around 5 projects this week alone. And last week I had 3 plus an essay and four tests to study for. Its like teachers are trying to make life harder for everyone. -dodges rocks- Anywho, I'm sorry that I have no ability to do every single request given, as I have not multiple brains and arms to think out and write them all. But, I got three requests (from different people) to do Hollyleaf, so here she is! (Also, if any of you have read Omen of the Stars, and something with Hollyleaf happens there, tell me, because I haven't read it, and that is why whatever that might be is not included here)**

**Disclaimer: Rainsong doesn't own warriors. If she did, she wouldn't be here, now would she?**

Congratulations on purchasing the HOLLYLEAF unit! She will arrive in a stone crate...which is very heavy…which we shall drop on you….from a nearby tower. Fragment sentences finished, HOLLYLEAF will arrive in a stone crate. When she arrives, caution to have an elephant tranquilizer on hand. She's insane. Seriously. And insane isn't always bad, except when said insane person is also very, very angry. At you. Say you're sorry. But she'll kill you anyway, so it doesn't really matter. So, shoot at her. When she's properly tranquilized, wait until she is on the verge of waking up. When her eyes are at least half-way open and looking at you, pull the white tag out of her throat. She will associate you as boss and give you no more trouble.

If you managed to do that right, congratulations! The HOLLYLEAF unit comes in many modes:

KIT: In this mode, your HOLLYLEAF unit will call herself Hollykit and mewl for milk while searching for nearby SQUIRRELFLIGHT, JAYFEATHER, and LIONBLAZE units.

MEDICINE CAT APPRENTICE: In this mode, your HOLLYLEAF unit will call herself Hollypaw and train under a LEAFPOOL unit.

WARRIOR APPRENTICE: This mode is exactly the same as MEDICINE CAT APPRENTICE mode, except your HOLLYLEAF unit will train under a nearby BRACKENFUR unit

WARRIOR: In this mode, your HOLLYLEAF unit will call herself Hollyleaf. CAUTION: Do not leave her behind in a fire. Seriously. Don't allow her near any ASHFUR units, or she'll lapse into INSANE mode.

INSANE: In this mode, your HOLLYLEAF unit will be insane. Not a difficult concept. She'll commit suicide and murder any nearby ASHFUR units. So keep her away from those. This mode would be locked, but we decided it would be funnier to see your pain. Ha.

OOC: In this mode, your HOLLYLEAF unit will act very weird and odd and will suddenly gain the ability to jump over large buildings without getting a wedgie.

Your HOLLYLEAF unit comes with many handy functions which you can use around your home;

Going Insane: Your HOLLYLEAF unit is great at this! Of course, the ASHFUR unit is much better, but eh

Hunting: Most units are pre-programmed with this skill! Note: All prey is raw and covered in fur/feather

Your HOLLYLEAF unit is not compatible with all units

She is compatible with:  
-The JAYFEATHER unit  
-The LIONBLAZE unit  
-The SQUIRRELFLIGHT unit(When not in INSANE mode)  
-The BRAMBLECLAW unit(Again, when not in INSANE mode)

She in not compatible with:  
-Any unit(Only in INSANE mode)  
-The BERRYNOSE unit  
-The BREEZEPELT unit  
-The SOL unit(Sometimes)

Your HOLLYLEAF unit comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to out FAQ before emailing us at..our email. We refuse to give it to you. So if you have a question not listed in the FAQ, TOO BAD (No, I love questions for this in the reviews)

Q-My ASHFUR unit is missing!  
A-…That would be a question for the ASHFUR unit page, but fine. Your HOLLYLEAF unit killed him and threw his body in a stream.

Q-I don't like HOLLYLEAF  
A-That is NOT a QUESTION! Mark I for I-wasted-my-time-and-money-on-something-I-don't-like!

Q-Aww….  
A-TOO BAD.

Q-Help! I can't find my HOLLYLEAF unit!  
A-…

Q-…What?  
A-There's a billion places where she could be. Mark S for Stupid-question.

Q-Well, my JAYFEATHER and LIONBLAZE units said she was chasing a squirrel…  
A-That would be Squirrely, the evil doom squirrel. He led your HOLLYLEAF unit into a trap where a bunch of rocks fell on her. She's trapped in the tunnels. No refunds.

Q-Why are there no refunds?  
A-Because the warranty and quality of out products lack quite a bit, while our prices are high. And so we make a killing off you fans

Q-That's no way to treat a customer!  
A-Mark IDC for I-don't-care

The HOLLYLEAF unit is priced at the outrageously high price of everything that ever was and ever will be and shipping is everything that remains! Call now at youjustgotrippedoff . com or call us at 1-800-HOL-LIES. Order the HOLLYLEAF unit today!

**My English teacher passes out these participation sheets which have letters standing for violations of the rules. Like T for tardy. And G for gum-chewing. This chapter is so short because the best things I could think up for the HOLLYLEAF unit were already taken by the JAYFEATHER and LIONBLAZE units.**


	9. Graystripe

**My way of saying, "Sorry, please put away the mallet, thanks."**

**Disclaimer: Rainsong doesn't own warriors. Whoever heard of the author of something writing a fanfiction for it? I would've just written a bunch of these and put them in one of the manga books or something.**

Congratulations on purchasing the GRAYSTRIPE unit! He will arrive in crate made entirely of thorns. That must hurt. Open the crate, and try to get as many thorns as you can imbedded into your skin. We tipped them with a fatal poison that doesn't affect our products. If you happened to be wearing leather gloves when doing that, darn. He'll jump out and be surprisingly calm. Pull the tag from his neck and he will associate you as boss.

The GRAYSTRIPE unit comes in many, many modes.

KIT: In this mode, your GRAYSTRIPE unit will wander around, calling himself Graykit. He doesn't do much.

APPRENTICE: Your GRAYSTRIPE unit does a little bit more in this mode, but still, not a lot. He'll wander around talking to random ginger kittypets. Be warned, he is programmed with automatic responses set at automatic intervals, which can creep out neighboring orange kittypets. Here is an example:

Pumpkin, our randomly generated orange kittypet, was busy grooming his fur when a GRAYSTRIPE unit in apprentice mode padded towards him. "Wow, you're a good fighter for a kittypet!" Pumpkin looked at him, confused. He mewed,  
"Er, thanks, but I wasn-"  
"I'm a ThunderClan cat. If you went on ShadowClan territory, they would claw you to bits!" Pumpkin's eyes widened at this. He had heard stories and rumors about forest cats who hunted for food, but _this?  
_"ThunderClan? ShadowClan? Territory? Claw? ..Bits..?" he squeaked. Graypaw's face took on a look of disgust as he mewed,  
"No way would I give up being a ThunderClan cat for the trapped life of a kittypet!" Pumpkin calmed down quite a bit at this, and mewed,  
"But I did-"  
"Uh oh, Bluestar and Lionheart are here! Come on, lets get to camp." Pumpkin stared at the strange cat. _Maybe he's insane. _Graypaw's eyes then turned the bright red of a strawberry, as he mewed in a rougher, more robotic voice,  
"Come on, lets get to camp." Pumpkin found himself being picked up by the scruff and carried off to who knows where. He couldn't take it any longer. Yowling, he was dragged across rough stones towards this "camp."

See what I mean?

WARRIOR: In this mode, your GRAYSTRIPE unit will call himself Graystripe and go with a nearby FIRESTAR unit to find the WindClan box set. Keep away from any SILVERSTREAM units, or he'll have a big problem. A problem involving walls, rivers, and kits.

RIVERCLAN WARRIOR: In this mode, your GRAYSTRIPE unit won't talk to the units from the THUNDERCLAN box set nearly as much. He'll talk a lot more to cats from the RIVERCLAN box set, though, and be extremely protective of the STORMFUR and FEATHERTAIL units

KITTYPET: In this mode, your GRAYSTRIPE unit will be extremely upset and frequently try to run away from you into a nearby forest. He'll never succeed in finding the forest, though, even if you live in one. He'll speak to a MILLIE unit quite often, and if you aren't careful, he'll run away with her, only to return a few days later claiming he escaped the Twolegs with the help of the MILLIE unit, unaware that he has lived in a Twoleg nest all along. Only put him in this mode if you are a fan of the BUMBLEPAW, BRIARPAW, and PETALPAW units. This mode is LOCKED, and can only be unlocked by the purchasing of a MILLIE unit.

OOC: In this mode, your GRAYSTRIPE unit will act not like a GRAYSTRIPE unit and steal all your cotton balls so he can make a toothpick city of marshmallows. This mode is LOCKED, and can only be unlocked by the purchase of ten thousand toothpicks, along with a billion packets of marshmallow. Come to our office and bring the receipt of the purchase, and we'll unlock the mode. Of course, our office doesn't exist. So this is impossible. Muahaha.

Your GRAYSTRIPE unit comes with many handy functions which you can use around your home

Getting hopelessly lost in Twolegplaces: Did someone tell you to get lost today? Are you angry? Can't you find a good place to get lost in? Don't worry; the GRAYSTRIPE unit will do that for you! Just put him in KITTYPET mode, and that's all! We are not responsible for the following symptoms:  
-Fatigue  
-Sadness  
-Poison  
-Starvation  
-Death

Fishing: Are you craving fish? Sick and tired of freezer burns in the grocery store? Don't worry! The GRAYSTRIPE unit can do all that and more! Of course, the fish are skewered, and some may be way too small for humans to eat, and the only pools of water containing fish nearby might be contaminated with poisons that'll cause instant death…

The GRAYSTRIPE unit is not compatible with all units  
He is compatible with:  
-The FIRESTAR unit  
-The SILVERSTREAM unit  
-The FEATHERTAIL unit  
-The STORMFUR unit  
-The MILLIE unit  
-The BUMBLEPAW unit  
-The (transsexual)BRIARPAW unit  
-The PETALPAW unit  
-..And most of the ThunderClan box set

He is not compatible with:  
-The TIGERSTAR unit  
-The DUKE unit  
-Or the DIESEL unit

The GRAYSTRIPE unit comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us don'temailus

Q-My GRAYSTRIPE unit is glaring at my DIESEL unit!  
A-You have him in KITTYPET mode. He's just jealous

Q-Can you lower your prices? Please? It's my birthday!  
A-No.

Q-Please?  
A-I already said _no._

Q-I got pricked by all these thorns when opening the box!  
A-Good. Those are venom thorns, often shot by guard turrets.

Q-What'll happen to me?  
A-Oh, nothing, you'll just die a painful, horrible death.

Q-I'm gonna sue!  
A-We have immunity. We are everywhere. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Q-Can I at least get a refund?  
A-NO.

We are not responsible for the following symptoms of using the GRAYSTRIPE unit;

-Poisoning  
-Fatigue  
-Vomiting  
-Loss of use of your brain and several other organs  
-Extreme injury  
-Unexplained gender change  
-Nausea  
-Death

The GRAYSTRIPE unit is priced at the conviniently low price of one of your lungs, and shipping is a kidney! Call now today at 1-800-BUY-GRAY, or go to our website at buygraystripenoworelse . com! Order GRAYSTRIPE today!

**Yes, I am aware that by writing this chapter I completely ignored the many requests I have received, but I didn't really want to tally them when I was writing this. So yeah. Also, I don't hate Millie, but I don't support GrayxMillie. Next chapter's going to be a special or something. You'll just have to wait. But still ask for requests for after next chapter. And, as I think I said earlier, I still haven't read Omen of the Stars. I might get it for my birthday though...Or the library could take pity on me and magically copy it and give it to me before anyone else can get to it. Not likely, though. The elves there hate me. **

**Does anyone see the reference to Geneforge? Anyone?**


	10. Feathertail

**Er…um….Nyehehe. Today's my birthday! Happy birthday to me! I got two Feathertail requests (You know who you are!) so this chapter's about her. Yes! 77 reviews! Life mission complete. Well, no, my life mission is 777 reviews. But this is way more realistic. Another life mission of mine is 123 reviews. But I can't have 'em all.**

**Disclaimer: No, Warriors was not one of the things she got for a present. But she did get The Fourth Apprentice**

Congratulations on purchasing the FEATHERTAIL unit! She will arrive in an invisible box. What's it made out of? I dunno. Stop asking questions, or I'm calling _them. _Who are they? You don't want to know…-mysterious pause-. Anyway, open her box. She'll come out, do stuff, and drown you. Hopefully she'll succeed. But if she didn't, I'm calling _them. _But just so you have many other opportunities for pain before that, stand right in front of her for about five minutes. She'll stare at you blankly. Take this as her associating you as boss. She's simply tracking you so _they _can find you, but I'll leave that out.

The FEATHERTAIL unit comes in many modes:

KIT: In this mode, your FEATHERTAIL unit will call herself Featherkit and cause a nearby SILVERSTREAM unit's death. So ha. No refunds.

APPRENTICE: In this mode, your FEATHERTAIL unit will call herself Featherpaw and train as a apprentice in the RiverClan box set. She doesn't do much.

WARRIOR: In this mode, your FEATHERTAIL unit will call herself Featherbrain-I mean Feathertail. She'll go on a journey and stuff, fall in love with a cat and die, yadda yadda yadda. Good for FeatherxCrow fans. –coughlikemecough-

STARCLAN: In this mode, your FEATHERTAIL unit will be dead. Nothing else. Do NOT let her give permission for a nearby CROWFEATHER and LEAFPOOL unit to love each other! No!

OOC: In this mode, your FEATHERTAIL unit will act very, very odd. Do not put her in this mode. Seriously. She's even more obsessed with marshmallow and toothpick palaces than the GRAYSTRIPE unit.

DINOSAUR: Our workers have very short attention spans. When they were supposed to be downloading behavior patterns in the FEATHERTAIL unit for her personality, they decided to put pictures of dinosaurs drawn by five year olds there instead. Disastrous results. Have fun!

The FEATHERTAIL unit comes with many handy functions for you to use around your home.

Being nice: Are you down? Did the JAYFEATHER unit be mean to you? Oh well! The FEATHERTAIL unit will cheer you up! Comes with(out) 5000 proven methods to soothe oneself.

The FEATHERTAIL unit is not compatible with all units.

She is compatible with:  
-…Most everyone

She is not compatible with:  
-The SHARPTOOTH unit

The FEATHERTAIL unit comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FAQ before not emailing us. We don't want to hear from you.

Q-No! A big rock fell on my FEATHERTAIL unit! Can I have a refund?  
A-Go stand in the corner right now! No refunds for you! Or must I call _them?_

Q-Who are _they _anyway?  
A-I'm not telling. It's so much awesome when it's ambiguous.

Q-Er…okay….But I can't find my SILVERSTREAM unit!  
A-She's dead. You put the FEATHERTAIL unit in kit mode, didn't you?

Q-My house has been torn down and replaced with a pile of toothpicks and marshmallows!  
A-Her obsession with that stuff is huge. You put her in OOC mode. The only cure for this is to crawl in a corner and scream for hours on end. _They'll _find you more easily that way…

Q-My FEATHERTAIL unit is acting like a dinosaur! And a badly drawn one too! Why?  
A-Because we have workers with short attention spans. If she eats you, they're all getting promoted.

We are not responsible for the following symptoms of using the FEATHERTAIL unit:

-Spontaneous combustion

-Cheesy mold overtaking your house

-The Ice Age returning

-Time traveling turtles

-Road trip songs

-Death by Flaming Hot Cheetos

Here are the reviews a few satisfied customers left us!:

InsanityForLife: I love the FEATHERTAIL unit! HehehehehEHEHEH! We make toothpick castles together, then the big men come with the needle! The needle! And then she tries an' drowns me! We're bonding!

PleaseDon'tEatMe_001: Eep! Get away from me! I hate the FEATHERTAIL unit! _They _found me through her! Oh gosh….the head-on commercials...What are you doing with that flame-thrower? Agh! The pain! The horrible, horri-END REVIEW

: This is a randomly generated message. I love the –insert product(s) here-! It's amazing! All my friends are jealous that I have my own –insert name of product(s) here-!

XxDinos_Are_ScaryxX: The dinosaurs….the dinosaurs…

The FEATHERTAIL unit is priced at the conviniently price of everything you value most (i.e.: Nature, a favorite uncle, etc.) and shipping is free! Call now today at 1-800-FEA-THER, or go to our invisible website at youcan'tseethisha . com! Order the FEATHERTAIL unit today!

_**They **_**are up to your imagination. I know who they are, but that'll only prepare you for the inevitiable….**

**EDIT: I completely forgot what special thing I was supposed to do for this chapter. Any ideas? They might jog my memory.**


	11. Tigerstar

**I'm going to be eaten if I don't do Tigerstar eventually. So, here he is! And thanks for all the happy birthdays! I forgot to pass out cake though. –gives cake to the reviewers-**

**Disclaimer: Rainsong. No. Own. Warriors. Must I spell it out? I do? Aww…R-a-i-n-s-o-n-g d-o-e-s-n-'-t o-w-n W-a-r-r-i-o-r-s. **

Congratulations on purchasing the TIGERSTAR unit! He'll arrive in a crate made of dandelion fluff. Why? He'll only break out easier…Anyway, as soon as he breaks out, stand very still and snarl at him. Make sure to show your teeth! He'll take this as a challenge and eat you. If you manage to overpower him, though, he will now associate you as boss. Well, that was a lot of hard work down the drain if you sent your sibling or someone to take the heat for you. Cause now the TIGERSTAR unit associates them as boss, and will eat you anyway. Sucks to be you.

The TIGERSTAR unit comes in many modes.

KIT: In this mode, the TIGERSTAR unit will call himself Tigerkit and be all cute and adorable, if not slightly spoiled.

GOOD APPRENTICE: Your TIGERSTAR unit is a young apprentice, still nice and sweet. He'll call himself Tigerpaw.

BAD APPRENTICE: Your TIGERSTAR unit will be an evil, older apprentice. 'Nuff said.

WARRIOR: Your TIGERSTAR unit will call himself Tigerclaw and be evil. He'll be subject to many parodies in which he is girlied to the extreme, and will kill a nearby REDTAIL unit.

DEPUTY: Your TIGERSTAR unit doesn't do much here, just commit attempted murder and constantly complain of IIED (Intentional Inflictment of Emotional Distress)

LEADER: Your TIGERSTAR unit is a failure. He managed to snag a desperate clan, nothing more. He'll also call on his greatest enemy to help and die in the attempt. Nyehehe.

OOC: In this mode, your TIGERSTAR unit will eat everything. Seriously. Everything. Hide your valuables! –-

TRUCKS AND TRAINS: There our short attention-span workers go again. Instead of downloading behavioral patterns for a different TIGERSTAR unit mode, they instead made vroom noises and downloaded a series of videos about monster trucks. And fire trucks.

The TIGERSTAR unit comes with many handy functions which you can use around your home

-Destroying stuff: Do you have an old baseball which you hate? Do you just want to rip it to shreds, but don't have the claws? Well, the TIGERSTAR unit does! He'll claw in to shreds, even if you liked that 300 million dollar sofa!

-Nothing. No, seriously, nothing else. What, you expected us to have something you can actually _use _here? Pfft! Customers! Always wanting what their money is worth!

The TIGERSTAR unit comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us at thisisinvisible fakesite . com

Q-My FIRESTAR unit is dead!  
A-You had him in KITTYPET mode, and the TIGERSTAR unit took advantage of this.

Q-Er…Okay…Can I get a refund?  
A-No! To the corner with you for asking!

Q-But it's so cold there…  
A-No, you can't have a blanket. Or pillows.

Q-Can I at least eat something? I haven't had anything for days! Or at least something to drink?  
A-No.

Q-My TIGERSTAR unit is acting….nice….I'm getting freaked out…  
A-He's in either KIT or GOOD APPRENTICE mode.

Q-My TIGERSTAR unit is making all these noises….They sound a whole bunch like a garbage truck. What's happening?  
A-He's in TRUCKS AND TRAINS mode. He can only talk in truck talk when in this mode. He's currently swearing. When's he's happy, he'll sound sort of like an ice-cream truck, and when he's afraid, he'll sound the train whistle.

Q-The TIGERSTAR unit just ate my house!  
A-When in OOC mode, he'll eat everything.

Q-Do I get compensated?  
A-No.

Here are the reviews a few satisfied customers left us:

Trucks_Trains_and_more: With the TIGERSTAR unit by our side, we were able to do more and more really bad recreations of stuff that happened on the road. GO LEGENDS!

Eep!: I hate the TIGERSTAR unit! It ruined my life! I used to be a daycare supervisor, but he ate everything! Everything! Even the children! I want a refund! Hey, what are you doing with that harpoon? GET AWAY FROM-_We are sorry, this comment has been disabled_

Corporotemachine: I love the –insert product(s) here!- It's amazing! All my friends are jealous that I have my own –insert name of product(s) here-

The TIGERSTAR unit comes at the conviniently low price of your heart (We don't accept hairy ones) and shipping is a pass to the Fountain of Fair Fortune! Call us now at 1-888-TIG-STAR, or go to our website at itstheyearofthetigerwhoknew? . com. Order the TIGERSTAR unit today!

**I have a huge pile of requests that need doing, and the BREEZEPELT unit will be next, followed by the SQUIRRELFLIGHT and LEAFPOOL units. After that is determined by you guys.**


	12. Breezepelt

**This chapter is late because 1) My computer crashed, 2) When it was fixed, Word was broken, and 3) I did not manage to convince the computer supervisor at my school to let me write it during study hall and lunch, and there are cameras everywhere which are checked every hour on the hour and I don't want detention. Really sorry about the entire buisness. Curse you Notepad...The only reason i got this chapter in is that you can edit things in the document manager. This was previously the FIRESTAR unit document. Yes, i am that much of a moron to have not realized this earlier.**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own warriors. If you suggest that I do, I will eat you.**

Congratulations on purchasing the BREEZEPELT unit! He will arrive without a crate. this will anger him, because he shall think that he's not special enough for a crate, and will attack you to let out his frustration. There isn't really anything you can do hear, except maybe, oh, I don't know...have him associate you as boss. Unfortunately, there is no way to do this except to allow him to destroy you. So yeah.

If you managed to survive that, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that the BREEAEPELT unit comes with many modes for you to exploit.

-KIT: Not much is done here. Unless, of course, you want a fluffier version of the BREEZEPELT unit. Of course, the KIT mode is almost OOC for him, so there is little point to this other than a space to fill.

-APPRENTICE: A lot less fluffy and cute, but still more so than WARRIOR mode. He'll go on a journey and stuff. Yeah....

-WARRIOR: In this mode, your BREEZEPELT unit will be a warrior and fight in some big battle war thing. I dunno. I wasn't there.

-EVIL PUPPET: Exactly what it says on the tin. He'll be an evil puppet of the dark forest.

-OOC: Much like KIT mode, except he's full grown. This mode is LOCKED, and can only be unlocked by purchasing the entire WindClan box set.

-FISHSTICKS: We really need new workers. The ones that were supposed to put the information for yet another mode in the BREEZEPELT unit decided instead to take apart the unit, make it into an oven, cook fishsticks, and put it back together again. He will now smell like fish and be clammy to the touch. Keep away from any units from the RiverClan box set. They will eat him.

-Attack: Just...attack. Simple concept, really. Except for the simple-minded. Oh well. I refuse to clarify.

-Insults: Much like the JAYFEATHER unit's feature, except these come along with teeth and claws to back it up. That is, more willing teeth and claws.

-Irrationality: Only the BREEZEPELT and CROWFEATHER units come with this. Must run in the family. He will advise you in a course of action that makes no sense and benefits no one.

The BREEZEPELT unit is not comaptible with all units

He is compatible with:  
-The CROWFEATHER unit(He wants to be, anyway)  
-The NIGHTCLOUD unit  
-The HEATHERTAIl unit(Sometimes. Depends on his mode)

He is not compatible with:  
-The JAYFEATHER unit  
-The LIONBLAZE unit(If they are both in apprentice mode, they actually can scheme together when not at each others throats)  
-The HOLLYLEAF unit  
-The CROWFEATHER unit(See, this is what really happens)  
-Everyone else.

The BREEZEPELT unit comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FAQ before emailing us at dontemailus . com.

Q-My BREEZEPELT unit suddenly tastes good covered in bread crumbs and baked in an oven!  
A-....Why did you test this?!

Q-Um...no reason...But why?  
A-You're a jinni aren't you?

Q-Maybe...  
A- -sigh- He suddenly tastes good because you put him in FISHSTICK mode.

Q-My BREEZEPELT unit is giggling and running around squeaking, "Hi! I'm Breezekit!" Its...too...sugary..sweet...-eyestwitch-  
A-You have him in KIT mode

Q-Umm...I don't know how to switch modes.  
A-Read the user's manuel

Q-This IS the user's manual  
A-Oh yeah...well, I don't really want to help you. That was not in my contract

Q-Customer service IS in your contract  
A-I choose not follow that part

Here are a few reviews satisfied customers gave us:

Loststream-I love my new Breezepelt unit! With him I accomplished...Nothing! Yay!

Moonfeatherdoesnotapprove: I did not like-We are sorry. This review was removed due to false information. Yes Boss, she was adequetly gagged-Why am I typing this?

Llamasbeatcamelsalltheway: The fishies....the fishies...

Lawyerbot: We are sorry, but this product does not meet safety standar-We are sorry. This review was put into a hypnotism machine for...reassignment. His review will continue shortly-I LOVED IT!

We are not responsible for the following side affects of using the BREEZEPELT unit

-Tripping up stairs

-Turning into a rotton fish

-Curdling milk

-Infecting you with a horrible, unnamed disease

-Having ninjas come and attack you

-The sudden urge for pies

-And unexplained transformation into a worm

the BREEZEPELT unit comes at the low price of...ten solid gold planets! And shipping is free! Call now at 1-800-BRE-EZES, or go to our website at www . . com! Order BREEZEPELT today!

**Bad Rainy! Bad! You should've thought of this sooner!**


	13. Onestar

**Honestly, I just couldn't bring myself to write a Squirrelflight or Leafpool unit. My brain nearly exploded. So, I decided that I shall never do them, because they made me stop writing this fanfiction, or even caring much at all about it. So I'm sorry.**

**In other news, school is nearly out, so that's fun. Also, I'm working on a poster that will show all the wars that ever happened, and between which countries and why, which was a request from a school which saw me doodling something akin to it in class.**

**How was your life?**

**Also, watch **_**Occupation 101**_**. It's a film-well, more of a documentary-that will blow your mind –sniff- Seriously….what is happening to those people is horrible…And most of the truth is hidden from the average citizen, glossed over with fake promises and fake steps towards peace. I blame the insane Jews, but not the sane ones who just want a home which can be achieved without hurting people.**

**/rant**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own Warriors.**

Congrats on purchasing the…um….what's it called again…? Err….Right! The ONESTAR unit! He will arrive in a crate made of brambles. He'll get all thorny from that, as of course, logic states. Anyway, he will not enjoy his trip. Once he arrives, be prepared for….what? I dunno. We haven't tested him yet. Yes, we are sending you an item which has not been tested for safety.  
What, you thought we cared?

The ONESTAR unit comes in many modes.

KIT: In this mode, the ONESTAR unit is cute, fluffy, and adorable. How corny.

APPRENTICE: In this mode, the ONESTAR unit will call himself Onepaw. Not much change is made in this mode from the KIT unit. It's pretty boring, actually...Huh….I'm….so….tired…*snore*

WARRIOR: Again, not much change. What did you expect? He's a minor character. It's not like he's _actually _getting any plot development, right?  
Well, he did _one _interesting thing. He ran away from ShadowClan.  
He also fought in the WindClan civil war thingy, but that is of little importance.

LEADER: The first time he stops being nice. He starts acting like a jerk in this mode with little explanation at all, save for, "But I must be strong and mean for my clan!"

The ONESTAR unit comes in with many function which you can use around your home.

-Running away: What else did you expect? This is _WindClan_ we're talking about.

-Calling unexpected and possibly undeserved attacks: Are you cruel? Are you evil? Do you want to get back at someone who did not really anything to you? Then the ONESTAR unit is perfect for this!

The ONESTAR unit is not compatible with all units

He is compatible with:  
-Everyone (Except for those he is not compatible with, of course.)

He is not compatible with:

-Everyone (Except, of course, those he is compatible with.)

The ONESTAR unit comes with many questions, so please redirect yourself to our FQ before emailing us at Grrhowdareyoulookatthisemail fake site . com

Q-My ONESTAR unit has gone missing!  
A-He ran away with the rest of the WindClan box set.

Q-When will he come back?  
A-Never, unless you send, in warrior mode, a FIRESTAR and GRAYSTRIPE unit.

Q-Just a question….Do you even care, _at all?  
_A-….No,

Q-My MUDCLAW unit is missing!  
A-The ONESTAR unit killed him. Do NOT put them in the same room with the rest of the WindClan box set with the ONESTAR unit in WARRIOR mode and the MUDCLAW unit in DEPUTY mode.

Q-…But I already did.  
A-Too bad.

The ONESTAR unit has been very popular with our customers, and here are some of their satisfied reviews:

: This product is horrible! Simply horrible! It-We are sorry. This review was reported and removed for slandering our simply _wonderful _and perfectly _safe _product.

She-of-the-dark-eyes: I…loooooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeddddd it…..

Do-not-dare-trust-me: Fabulous! Simply fabulous! Those buildings have never been demolished faster, and it ejects a kind of substance to get at the rats, too!

WARNING: We are not responsible for the following symptoms of using this product:

-Vomiting

-Depression

-Sudden cravings for odd items such as metal

-Dissected frogs coming alive in the middle of the night to dissect _you._

-Skin suddenly oozing poppy seeds, which if allowed to grow, will have a scent so strong it could knock you out.

The ONESTAR unit is only available with select retailers, and cost the low price of ten years of hard labor! And shipping is an additional twenty years! Call us at 1-800-MEE-MEEM, or order online at our website, www . thisisnotarealwebsite . com! Order the ONESTAR unit today!

**I hated writing this chapter. Sorry. Expect longer and longer spaces between updates. Yeah…I kind of lost interest in Warriors all together. This might just be the last update for many months.**

**Also, She-of-the-dark-eyes has been hypnotized into liking all the products before, and she is constantly renewed of the hypnotism, so she speaks with a slur, and always has a blank expression, if you couldn't tell.**


	14. Tigerheart

**This was updated so quickly because I learned that I still unconsciously think of ideas for this which drive me mad screaming WRITE WRITE WRITE!(cough and my little brother pestered me into doing it his name is Danny cough), and so I shall continue writing this, even though I probably will not continue reading the warriors series.**

**And I tried to make this chapter somewhat longer and better. Did I fail? Longer…yes….Better….That would be up to your readers.**

**Remember, since I stopped reading, I don't know anything that happens past The Fourth Apprentice. So a few events might be unincluded in here. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors. I make no money off it. If I did…**

**I still wouldn't be rich.**

**Why?**

**Because, this isn't that good anyway.**

You purchased the TIGERHEART unit? Congratulations! Well, not really. In fact, a more appropriate term would be, "How unfortunate." Anyway, it shall arrive within a period of…ten years. When it _does _arrived, it shall be in a crate made of bubble wrap.  
Wait…Are you _laughing _at me? Oh, I know what you think! Look at the manual/catalogue! Look at it! The author of it doesn't know that a crate made of bubble wrap is just an item wrapped in the stuff! She's so dumb! Nyehehe! Well I _know _it really isn't a crate! Curse you…  
For getting me all riled up, I won't tell you anything else about the TIGERHEART unit! Humph…

-A few moments later-

Hello, the old author of this had to…erm…."take a break". So now I shall be writing the catalogue until she isn't so riled up anymore. Really, what did you guys do to get her so angry..?

So, the TIGERHEART unit will arrive…eventually. What will it be in…?  
I dunno. It changes every time. Once we had a shark crate, once one made of peanut butter, I can recall one made of poppies and rose thorns…  
They all leak acid. So I wouldn't touch them if I were you.  
If you manage to figure out a way to open the crate without having your hands melted off…  
I really don't have anything witty to say to that. Meh, maybe I'm just tired…  
So if you survived that, now you have a unit. Yippee…

This unit comes in many modes. Not all of them are very nice. But I suppose, if you have bought so many units already, you should know this by now.

KIT: In this mode, your TIGERHEART unit will be very small, and call himself Tigerkit. If he gets glares from everyone except the TAWNYPELT unit, do not be alarmed. It's his name.

APPRENTICE: In this mode, your TIGERHEART unit will call himself Tigerpaw. He will run away from the ShadowClan box set with the DAWNPAW, TAWNYPELT, and FLAMEPAW units.

WARRIOR: In this mode, your TIGERHEART unit will call himself….Actually, I am not going to comment on that. It should be obvious by now.  
He goes on a journey to find water. They come back, victorious. Standard quest procedure, I suppose.

OOC: In this mode, your TIGERHEART unit will be extremely out of character. He will run up walls, do super flips, and eat all your food. He will also act somewhat anthromorphic, even though he should be a full cat and be unable to pick up stuff. Hide your refrigerator.

TELEPHONE: There go our lazy workers. I wonder why no one reports them…  
Anyway, when they were supposed to be programming the unit for a very special, secret mode. They instead were playing telephone, and the TIGERHEART unit, in OOC mode, decided to join in. They played for ten weeks straight, and it became ingrained as a new mode in the unit. In this mode, your unit will repeat whatever you say to it, only much more garbled and somewhat incomprehensible.

BLANK: Why does no one fire our workers? And why hasn't someone fixed this mode? In this mode, your unit does nothing, save for contemplating the universe and offering advice that, once you get to its core, really doesn't mean anything. This occurred due to our workers, instead of programming in a new mode, decided to hold a yoga session instead. The unit could not join in, though, but soaked up all the information.

RANDOM: We inserted this mode because we were bored. Whenever you switch to this mode, the TIGERHEART unit will take any one of the units programmed into it, and act on that mode. Not really recommended, but meh.

SHUFFLE: A new feature. In this mode, your TIGERHEART unit will switch modes randomly.

Your TIGERHEART unit comes with many handy functions which you can use around your home.

Yoga: Are you stressed out?  
Do you need a break?  
Well, the TIGERHEART unit is perfect for you! Though unable to perform any of the poses, he can guide you throw them with his vast knowledge! He will make sure you are feeling great in no time! Warning: May break your limbs

Really useless ideas: Are you the plucky comic relief in a group of sticks in mud? Are you bored out of your mind, but can't think of anything to break the monotony?  
Well, then the TIGERHEART unit is perfect for you!  
It can think up lots of useless yet hilarious plans for your group to follow through, only to fail due to a critical lack of thought and common sense! And if your teammates run after you, say it was the TIGERHEART unit's idea! (They'll probably still maul you, but meh)

Shameless Flirting: Are you a flirt?  
Can't think of any good pick up lines? (Or even bad ones just to mess with the poor girl's head?)  
Well, the TIGERHEART unit is the answer to your prayers!  
Equipped with shameless flirting and pick up lines that don't correspond with the situation in any way, the TIGERHEART unit will be sure to send the girl running! (Or hitting you repeatedly with a pipe, but meh. Results may vary. The pipe may turn out to be a stick instead, or a chair...)

The TIGERHEART unit comes with many questions which we are not willing to answer, so please go to the FAQ, because we refuse to give you our email to send us your questions.  
We still refuse to send it you, even if the question isn't covered in the reviews.  
Why?  
Because we like making your life that much harder.

Q-My TIGERHEART unit is missing! I was just sitting there…..and he was gone!  
A-….He could be anywhere, you know. You might have just lost it…buy another one now or else….I'll send _them _after you…

Q-Well….um…..It was in WARRIOR mode, and m DOVEPAW, SEDGEWHISKER, WHITETAIL, and LIONBLAZE units are missing too…  
A-He went to save the water, duh. Did you even read the books? If not, why did you order these? Either way…Buy more. Now.

Q-My TIGERHEART is missing again!  
A-Read you're the first question.

Q-My JAYPAW, LIONPAW, HOLLYPAW, DAWNPAW, and FLAMEPAW units are missing, too.  
A-Those are not the units' names. Those are the names of the units in APPRENTICE mode.  
Anyway, they went out to pull pranks on Blackstar.

Q-My TIGERHEART unit is not responding to my orders, and just yowling gibberish that sounds eerily similar to my orders!  
A-You have him in TELEPHONE mode.

Q-So…what do I do…?  
A-Change his mode, obviously!

Q-My TIGERHEART unit is suddenly extremely small and mewling for my TAWNYPELT unit! Which hasn't been released yet…._So what do I do?  
_A-You have him in KIT mode. Buy a TAWNYPELT unit when we make it.  
That, or just change his mode.

Q-My TIGERHEART unit is randomly switching modes!"  
A-You have him in SHUFFLE mode. Switch his mode, obviously.

Q-My TIGERHEART unit is eating all my food!  
A-He's in OOC. But if he's gradually eating and not downing the refrigerator in one go, then this could be in any mode, really. No cure, except for you to buy more food. But don't forget to buy more units. Buy them now….

Q-My TIGERHEART unit is staring at his belly button in deep concentration. What's happening?  
A-He is in BLANK mode. He is currently contemplating the universe and everything within it.

Q-I tried to switch my TIGERHEART unit to BLANK mode, but I ended up with it in APPRENTICE mode instead!  
A-…Did you try to get him into BLANK mode using RANDOM mode?

Q-Yes….  
A-_Why? _You should have just done it in the conventional, actually-working way.

Q-My TIGEREHEART unit is giving me advice which sounds right, but doesn't actually mean anything!  
A-He is in BLANK mode. Seriously, if you guys just READ this manual, then you wouldn't have to ask questions!

Q-My TIGERHEART unit is missing!  
A-This has already been answered, _twice. _Do not repeat questions. Ever.

Q-My TIGERHEART unit is acting weird!  
A-My my my….Why is it always 'my' with you guys? Huh? You never begin your questions with anything else!

Q-….Please answer the question.  
A-I dunno

Q-Aren't you supposed to know these things?  
A-You're kind of vague with the acting weird thing, you know

Q-You could've mentioned that…  
A-On with the question!

Q-No seriously….you just could've mentioned that I was being too vague...  
A-I said_, answer the question. _Now

Q-He's too small and sugary sweet!  
A-….All that trouble….for _that? _He's just in KIT mode.

We are not responsible for the following symptoms of using the TIGERHEART unit

-Blood loss

-Fatigue

-Laziness

-A sudden adoration for cups that are made to look like mini castles

-Sight loss

-Madness

-A sudden fascination with Sealand

-An urge to run around screaming all your secrets so the world may hear

-And other conditions which currently lack names.

These are a few reviews satisfied customers gave us:

She_of_the_dark_eyes: Ammmmmaaaaaazzzziiiinnnnggg…..

Mishy-Mashy-I ha-We are sorry. This review has been removed for slandering our wonderful product.

Ahsenta: Ha! I hacked your systems! Now I can slander your product all I wa-Our filter system had been momentarily hacked into, but all is fine now. Carry on, there is nothing to see here.

Order the TIGERHEART unit now! Now! At the low price of heart, how can you go wrong? Shipping is free to everywhere but where you live! Other than that, shipping is the low cost of your liver! Which has 500 hundred functions!(Good luck surviving without _that.) _Order now at 1-800-BUY-NOOW! Order today, while supplies last!

But wait! There's more!

If you order within the next nanosecond-Sorry.

You waited too long.

….Nyehehe.

**I hope this chapter can make up for the last one being so short. Five pages! Woot! And 1,758 words!**

**You get a cookie if you have any idea what Sealand is.**


End file.
